Charlie's View on Dating his Teenage Daughter
by Miss Whoniverse
Summary: Pretty self explanatory! A funny oneshot, rated T for mild language. Read and review! All human - for the purposes of the story, hehehe. And OC, naturally... oh, you'll see...


**Pythagoras is back, but so is a story I forgot about that I wrote in him weeks ago that was so funny to me when I read back on it that I just HAD to put it up! Apologies for using my time to type THIS up rather than POF chappies, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it!! Bella has an ensuit in this because it was a bit of a hole if she didn't.**

**It IS an AU story; in this one, they're all human. I really dislike all human stories but the only other alternative was having all vamps, otherwise Charlie's behaviour would just be stupid, and it was just too tangly for me because I hate loose ends. =D Also it's slightly OOC :P**

**I hope you enjoy this short oneshot!! REVIEW!**

**. : Charlie's View on Dating his Teenage Daughter : .**

**Bella POV**

Edward... Edward, Edward, Edward... Bahaha, Edward!! He is so dreamy... and perfect... and for some reason, he thinks that I am as well. What luck!

One problem about this perfect situation – Charlie, my dad, CANNOT STAND my boyfriend. Don't ask me why; you'd think that since Jacob is no longer a viable option, having decided he didn't like me a few months ago and moved in with his sister after I took Edward back... a decision that was also extremely unpopular with Charlie. I HAD hoped that Charlie would get over it, but no. His personal vendetta against Edward has lessened by no amount, and I can't do anything to stop him.

Anyway, Charlie may yet accept the fact that I AM going out with Edward, and will CONTINUE to go out with him until such time as we get married. Then I will no longer be going out with him, so Charlie will have to shut up unless he wants his only child to get an early divorce.

Well, onto more pleasant things – Edward would be there soon to pick me up! We were going to see a movie... I was so excited!! Movies are always so thrilling with him... as soon as the lights go out, the electricity rages and I go all tingly-like... it's incredible!!

I just started my makeup then, so that I was done nice and early. I only ever wear a light makeup coat; just to touch up my imperfections; numerous as they are. I'm not too bad looks-wise, but I'm no hottie.

I grabbed my makeup bag and face my mirror. Pulling out some lip balm, I moistened up my lips a little, and then ran them over with a quick splash of 'Vanilla Breeze' gloss... ooh! So SHINY... haha, I was so EXCITED!!

Then I started my concealer. I have a few blotches on my cheeks that are always there and I cover them up as surreptitiously as possible because I don't like wearing heavy makeup, but a little bit is better than having red all over me! That's also why I don't use blusher – I blush enough anyway!

I'd just started my eyes when I heard a grumble and a car door shut outside, and I rushed to the window. Opening it, I called out "I'm just doing my face, Edward! I'll be with you in a second!"  
Smiling, I shut the window and started back towards my mirror when heavy footsteps sounded inside.

What?! Edward doesn't have a key; and it was definitely locked... so... OH! CRAP! IT MUST BE-

"BELLA? What's this about Edward!?"

Oh.... shit....

HE'S HOME EARLY. CRAP. UM... UM... WHY DID HE HAVE TO FINISH EARLY?! IF I LEFT A NOTE HE'D HAVE TIME TO RAGE BEFORE HE HAD TO SEE ME!!

"Well, he called me and asked if I could go out... short notice... hehe?" I called nervously, knowing I had to say something.

Then I realised that this would piss Charlie off more than if it was my fault. Damn! Why didn't I lie and say it was ME who organised it! D'oh!!

Charlie's voice started to grumble in irritation. He seeeeriously doesn't like Edward... and for the life of me, I really can't see why! _I _got over that one... fallibility... that occurred a while ago. So why shouldn't my dad?

Then, with the worst timing ever, I heard a smoother tone of engine pulling into our driveway. Edward... had showed up... DOUBLE CRAP. I HAVE SAID CRAP A LOT TONIGHT. _CRAAAP!_

Time sped up then slowed down. Suddenly Edward had honked his horn, then apparently gotten up and knocked on my door... and Charlie had answered. With, presumably, a very, VERY pissed off look on his face.

Time slowed.

Then the bombshell hit... and the showering of incessant fireballs began.

"Oh... hello, Char-" began Edward politely.

"When Bella's boyfriend speaks to me, I expect to be addressed as 'Officer' or 'Sir,'" said Charlie in one of his irritably deadly tones.

From my room upstairs it was still easy to hear Edward's breathing stop.

"Oh... um... okay, sir... is Bella ready?"

That started him off, and the long rant began.

"Indeed she is not – and if you want to drive into my driveway and honk your horn, you'd better be a delivery guy because you are certainly not picking anything up."

Shock and horror coursed through me as my head fell into my hands in disbelief. It was Charlie's next line that sent me to collapse against my wall and slowly start sliding down in complete despair.

"Oh, ok," said Edward. "I'll just wait then."

Silence.

Then he said it. _IT_. "I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips - you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, next time I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist."

I started to shake by the time he was done, and I was in utter shock... SHOCK! HORROR!

I wanted nothing more than to race downstairs and rescue my poor, isolated boyfriend from my MANIAC father, but in one of my spasmodic convulsions I caught sight of my face in the mirror next to me – when my face hit my hands before, it had slashed a line of eyeliner down the curve of the edge of my nose... I had been holding all my eye makeup when I went to the window earlier!

OH MY _GOD_. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT, HUH?! WILL A METEOR FALL FROM THE SKY AND BLOW ME UP? AT THIS POINT I'D PROBABLY WELCOME THAT!

As I started to scrub frantically at my face with a newly-wet towel from my ensuit, I heard Charlie's footsteps aimlessly pacing around downstairs, but Edward's had not moved. Presumably he was still frozen in disbelief downstairs. And he would be stuck for a while now, because I would have to redo all my makeup to hide the now red-raw patch on my face!

"Erm... is she ready yet? We might be late for the movie..." said Edward in a tone of pure tension.

Charlie's footsteps swiftly returned to him.

"As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than ten minutes goes by, do not complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sistine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?"

Edward, for the third or fourth time, was shocked into silence, and I banged my head in disgust on my mirror. Why did he have to EMBARRASS ME so much?! Edward will never come near this place again! AND I DON'T BLAME HIM!

In a ridiculously stupid, not to mention futile, attempt to be friendly, Edward tried to strike up conversation. I was still robotically cleaning myself for a fresh start – you can't rush makeup, which really, REALLY irritates me.

"So... did you see the game this afternoon?" he questioned timidly, and I clenched my teeth and pressed a pillow to my face, screaming spastically, as my ludicrous father answered.

"It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is 'early.'"

I pictured vehemently the numerous ways I would torture and repress Charlie's basic needs, like television and food, as I frantically slathered on some fresh gloss.

Then, Charlie started once more. I could not BELIEVE how long this was going ON FOR!!

"While we are here, I may as well lay down some ground rules.  
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff shirts, or anything other than jeans, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her neck.  
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better."

He paused at that point, and I was applying eyeliner (after sharpening it and un-oiling it from its trip down my T-zone) with deadly precision; biting my lip so hard that it started to bleed. I ignored it. Screw it! I need to get Edward out of here as soon as possible, WHO CARES if my lip is bleeding?!

Sucking on it furiously, I started to finish up, pulling on my jeans in a tangled mess, ripping a brush through my now screwed up hair.

To my complete and utter revulsion, Charlie continued... it is a supreme testimony to Edward's devotion that he is still standing there and hasn't already run for the bloody hills.

"I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Consider yourself warned."

Now, see, I damn well AGREE with that – but WHY does Charlie feel the need to add all the other ludicrous things to the list!? Why couldn't he have just said that and left Edward be?! Although, I WILL never be 'finished' with Edward. Pfft!

"I assure you, sir, I have no intention of leaving your daughter," replied Edward in a stammering voice laced with terror. I will hug him for hours in response – it was the best reaction he could have had!! Yes, yes, keep going Edward, I am almost there! Just my jumper now!

"Good. But, make sure any other questions I may ever ask you are answered in a favourable manner. See, to you, I may seem like a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been - but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a gun, a shovel, and a large expanse of woodland behind my house. Rethink every answer several times if you value your life."

Now he's making DEATH THREATS?! This has got to stop!!

The real bloody icing on the cake was when my jumper static-afied my hair while I pulled it on, but I snarled and ripped the brush through backwards, jammed it all in a stylish, if messy, ponytail, and raced downstairs with my bag slung over my shoulder.

I practically slammed into Edward as I launched off the bottom stair, and he caught me automatically. It was the perfect moment for a kiss but with Charlie there, as IF it was ever going to happen.

"Let go of my daughter!"

That was all it took. Edward dropped me and leaped back to the door, glancing from me to Charlie as his hand edged towards the doorknob.

Charlie's eyes narrowed as I sidled forwards to stand next to Edward, and his eyes raked me up and down quickly before flicking nervously back to Charlie. I placed my hand on his on the doorknob and his mouth loosened slightly.

"You will _not_ touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them," Charlie informed Edward, eyes narrowed to slits. I growled.

"Okay, dad, thanks SO much, I'll be having a LONG CHAT TO YOU when I get back, but we'll be taking our leave now, GOODBYE!" I snarled.

I grabbed Edward's other hand, wrenched the door open, and dragged him (with his full approval) outside towards his car.

I turned back to slam to door, but Charlie grabbed it just before I could. He stared at me for a moment, then his gaze met Edward's.

"One more thing," he said coolly. Oh, GREAT. "I'm sure you've heard about how in this day and age, sex without utilising a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Well, I wholeheartedly agree, but let me elaborate. When it comes to sex with my daughter, _I _am the barrier, and I will kill you."

Then he shut the door.


End file.
